The 'Talk'
by Forever Crazy
Summary: Emmett gives Nessie the talk. But Emmett is only prepared to warn her about what kind of guys out there,but little did he know, his plan made a complete turn to trouble.Takes part when Nessie starts kindergarten,abit after Breaking Dawn. Editing. Add part
1. The 'Talk'

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT...**

**A/N: THIS IS NOT MY FIRST FANFIC. I AM NOT GOOD AT WRITING HUMOUR STORIES BUT I TREID ON THIS ONE.**

The 'Talk'

**EMPOV**

Yes! It's the perfect opportunity to go give Nessie the 'talk'.

Nessie is old enough for the 'talk'. She is at the stage where guys start to swoon over her, and want to get her in bed. So this is the perfect time if you see what I mean.

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As soon as Edward and Bella left to go hunting I called Nessie down to the living room. "NESSIE! COME DOWN HERE I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU!" I hope I didn't break anyone's eardrums yelling.

"Yes uncle Emmy," She responds in her cute little voice.

"Uncle Emmy needs to talk to you about sex." I answer without hesitation. I don't really care if I get in trouble by Bella and Edward. There daughter needs to know and to be careful with those guys out there.

I think I'm a better parent to Nessie than Edward and Bella. They still haven't given her the 'Talk'. I'm really disappointed in them.

"Uncle Emmy are you alive?" Nessie said pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Yes, why would you ask that?" I asked.

"Well…you kind of zoned out there for a moment." she answered.

"Oh. Okay. Well I was going to give you the 'Talk' but I think your parents wouldn't like it." I told her. I didn't really want to get straight to the point.

"What is the 'Talk' about?" she asked in her all to innocent voice that you can never say no to.

"Well the 'Talk' is manly about sex" I told her.

"What is sex?" OH. . I didn't know she didn't know what sex was. I was only planning on telling her to be careful around the perverts we have in town.

I'm panicking right now. _Deep breathe IN then Out, IN, OUT._

OH. MY. GOSH. I can't believe I just thought that. EWWWWW!!

"Uncle Emmy quit zoning out on me!" she scolded me.

"Oh. I'm sorry Nessie." I apologized.

"If you don't want to tell me what sex is, I'll go ask Aunt Rose." she told me clearly annoyed. When I didn't respond she started walking away.

"No, Nessie come back!" I yelled after her.

"What is all this yelling about!?!" Rose said descending down the stairs.

"Um…Aunt Rosie what is sex?" Nessie asked my beloved wife.

"Who told you about that evil word?" Rose asked Nessie.

"I don't know what the word means so I came to you. And Uncle Emmett told me the word." she confessed.

"Typical Emmett.." Rose said to quietly for Nessie to hear.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked rose.

"Well…you shouldn't have told Nessie about sex." she scolded me. When Rose got mad she gets real mad. But she isn't mad yet.

"Nessie is at that stage now that there are guys out there wanting to get her in bed. I thought it was time to give her the 'Talk'. I really didn't prepare her to give her the sex talk too." I was really scared of when Rose would blow.

"EMMETT!! NESSIE IS ONLY 6!! SHE DOESN'T NEED THE 'TALK' NOW" she yelled.

"Auntie Rose you still haven't answered my question." Nessie told Rose.

"Well.. sex is when 2 people love each other very much and they get really intimate with each other." Rose explained.

"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked in her all to innocent voice.

"That means that when a boy and a girl are in a private room with no one around they kiss and do other stuff like that."

At that Esme decided to make an appearance.

Esme opened up her arms for Nessie to jump into, Which she gladly did.

"Grandma Esme. Guess what, guess what?" Oh no, oh on, oh on. This is not happening to me. Please Nessie please don't tell her. I do not want to be yelled at.

"What?" Esme asked the little devil in her arms.

"Uncle Emmy just told me what sex is." Nessie replied happily.

"I bet you Emmett didn't tell you what it really is. Sex is when one animal gets together with another animal and kiss." she told Nessie.

"Sweet!! I now know two different kinds of sex." Nessie replies with a huge smile on her face.

Just then Edward and Bella walked into the house, and was met by a happy Nessie.

Me, Rose, and Esme all had horrified expressions on our faces when Nessie went to greet them.

"Mommy, Daddy. Guess what Uncle Emmett, Auntie Rosie and Grandma Esme taught me?" Nessie said happily, proud that she learned something new over the weekends.

"What sweetie?" Bella asks sweetly.

"They taught me two different kinds of sex." At the mention of their daughter knowing what sex is they got these angry looks on their faces. I even heard a growl from Eddie-boy over there.

"There is human sex , which is when a boy and a girl are in a private area all alone and they kiss and do other stuff really intimate. And there is animal sex. They just kiss and that's how they have sex."

"Hey, sweetie that's good to know you learned something today. But can you please go up and play with your toys, I have to talk to your Uncle Emmy, Auntie Rosie, and Grandma Esme, okay?" Bella asked. I have a very bad feeling about this. I just have to hope that Nessie does not leave.

"Okay, mommy. But can you tuck me in before I have to go to sleep, or after you are finnish talking to Uncle Emmy?" Nessie asked. _NONONONONONO!! Nessie plese don't leave me. I'm going to be in big trouble. what if I just run? No that won't work, Edward is a really fast runner. You know what Emmett? I'll wait and see how this will all turn out._

_"_Yeah you better Emmett." Eddie said, abviously hearing my thoughts.

"Okay sweetie." Bella said ignoring us, and kissing Nessie on the check.

Once Nessie left, that's when all the yelling started to happen.

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**REVIEW PLEASE!! ****THANKS FOR ALL OF YOUR REVIEWS.**


	2. Yelling

**AN: I HAVE DECIDED TO ADD THE YELLING PART. AND I'M WARNING YOU AGAIN I AM NOT GOOD AT WRITING HILARIOUS STORIES, OR ANY WITH HUMOUR. JUST A HEADS UP. OH AND PLEASE REVIEW. IT WOULD MEAN THE WORLD TO ME IF YOU DO.**

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EmPOV

"EMMETT!!" Edward yelled. As soon as they start yelling I know I am in for a whole bunch of trouble.

"WHAT!?!" I yelled back. If he wants to play like that then so be it. I will too. He will play daddy, and I'll be......_who to be? who to be?_ _I know who I can be. I can be the Uncle. I will play the clueless Uncle. That would work right? Sure it will, They already think I'm dumb and stupid. So it all works in my favor._

_"_WHY WOULD I PLAY THE DADDY!1 I ALREADY AM THE DAD. YOU BETTER REMEMBER THAT I CAN ALSO READ MINDS SO KNOW EACTLY WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. SO NONE OF YOUR CRAP WILL WORK.!! AND YOUR STUPIDINESS CRAP WON'T WORK ON US EITHER!! YOU ARE NOT STUPID. YOU JUST ACT LIKE A 3 YEAR OLD ALL THE TIME." I sooooooo love this game. This is my new all time favorite game.

"DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO MY HUSBAND THAT WAY!!" _**DAMN!!**_ My wife is hot angry. I better get some action after this. I better practice my breathing skills then. I heard that it is a good thing in having sex. (**AN: for my fanfic friends who know me. I don't know the skills of having sex. I am just making this stuff up. so just deal with it.) **The breathe in, then out, in, then out. I also heard your breathing is supposed to be in sync while you go in then out.

"YOUR HUSBAND IS THE ONE WHO TOLD MY DAUTHER ABOUT SEX!! AND YOU KNOW IT IS TRUE THAT EMMETT ACTS LIKE A 3 YEAR OLD ROSALIE, SO JUST SHUT YOUR FREAKING MOUTH. AND GOD EMMETT, STOP THINKING ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH ROSALIE!!" _ouch. _who knew screaming hurts your vampire ears. I guess it didn't really affect me when I was thinking. I think that is why my hurts don't hurt until now. But hearing Edward all irritated and all makes me want to laugh, all night long.

We were so caught up screaming at each other, that they didn't notice Nessie start to come down the stairs. They stopped yelling at each other as soon as they heard her. "Mommy, my ears hurt. And I'm tired. Can you please tuck me in now?"

"Okay sweetie." Bella said sweetly following her upstairs.

"We will finish this tomorrow when Nessie is in school Emmett." Edward threatened. At least I don't have to get yelled at today.

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_**The Next Day- Nessie is at school**_

"Why did you tell Renesmee about sex Emmett. Just please tell me." Eddie-boy seems calmer now. So I guess I should tell him.

"Nessie is old enough to know Edward. Guys are starting to go after her. Guys will try to get her in bed. And how would you know, she maybe having sex right know. Or I should say animal sex. I would laugh if she comes home saying '_Daddy, Daddy, guess what?' and you would answer '_ what sweetie?' _and then she would be like 'I just had animal sex. I just kissed this boy in my class named Josh.' _So you see what I mean. Guys like Josh are no good" I explained.

"Emmett, who the hell is Josh. And how would you know what Josh is like? Also how would you know other guys like Josh are no good?" Edward asked. _hmmmm.....how to answer that?_

"Okay. So you see, Josh is a made up character that I just made up on the spot. I know what Josh is like because I made him up. And I know that other guys like Josh are bad, because I used to be like him. Does that answer all your question _Eddie-boy?"_ I asked answering all his questions.

"Do not call me _Eddie. _Only Bella can call me that_. _And what did you mean about being like 'Josh'_" _Edward asked, putting hand quotations on Josh's nam_e._

"Well. When I was Nessie's age I used to hit on girls. And I used to try to get them in bed, but they would always refuse. Except for this one girl Lisa, no Leena, No Lasha, Oh wait. Her name was Lumpa Umpa. so you see why I told Nessie about sex. I'm just looking out for her." I explained. but it is the truth.

"Who the hell is Lumpa Umpa?" Ummm.... That is a very hard question.

"She was my ex-girlfriend in grade 11. And that was her nickname." I answered truthfully.

"Here I thought you were 6 when you started thinking about having sex with girls apparently not." Edward said obviously stressed.

"I was!!" I defended.

"So what you are saying is that, you were 6 years old when you were in grade 11?" He asked. _he did have a point there. But hold up. Here I thought grade 11 are filled with 6 year olds. Apparently not._

_"_Whoops my badddd." I said with my head hanging down.

"I'm telling Esme and Carlisle, and so help me god, that they will ground you from having sex with Rosalie for a year. I'm leaving you in their hands, since I absolutely don't know what I am going to do with you." Edward said.

b-bu-but-t....but....but.... My Rosie-poo. How on earth am I going a whole year without having sex with Rosie. I need her. But there must be ways I can satisfy myself.

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